I Choose the Journey of the Warrior

Why choose the journey of the warrior  

Though better days seem never to come  

Where light meets dark  

in the spaces in between 

When what was thought to be holy  

Now shambles steeped in decay 

What was once seen as truth 

Is known as lies, a web unraveled 

Who we thought we were meant to be 

A life that’s been scattered on the winds of time  


Ruins laid bare on a battlefield in defeat  

A war she never wanted to fight  

A road he never thought he’d take 

Lungs that screamed a rallying cry  

Struggle for breaths that comes in shallow  

A heart that marched with pride 

Now limps to a different beat  

Wounds that that threaten and fester  

Death seems an old friend  

A welcomed reprieve  


It calls to me as it always has 

But louder and with greater urgency  

Come home my child, come home   

We’ve been waiting for so long  

It longs to wrap me in it’s warm embrace   

It pulls me in gently a lullaby on her lips 

The pain can finally see it’s end   

Paradise awaits to set you free  

Step into the light and have no fear  

Just release it all, just let it go  


Clarity snaps me out of this dream I’m in  

I’m not afraid of the end or the other side of the veil  

I know that place is our peaceful home  

The transition seems the most natural thing in all the world  

The rebirth of a soul to the place it belongs  

No I’m not afraid to take that step  

I stay not for me but for the others  

The younger souls who’ve yet to awaken  

The souls too weak, too beaten back  

The ones locked away in need of rescue 


For though I am tired I am strong  

My eyes are open, I can see beyond the veil 

I may not recall, but I now know I chose this mission 

A call to action from the earth was cried out 

Fear threatens to kill all things in its path   

It breeds like termites, destruction it’s goal  

The symptoms are evident in all that is evil  

Hate, greed, pride, and indifference  

The solution is love, radical love  

“For perfect love casts out fear” 


I answered the call as we all must do   

Shine a light into all that is dark  

Right what has been turned upside down  

Heal all which was broken apart  

Every act of good causes a ripple  

A small deed can last for generations  

An act created of purest love  

Contains the power to alter all of history   

There is a spark of magic in each and every soul  

All you need is love to ignite the flame 


People Always Leave

People always leave that’s the tale I’ve always known  

Even if love tries to reigns supreme, roads always seem to diverge in time 

I tell myself it’s all alright, get up and dust off the pain of another loss 

But still I would build another wall, the mortar laced with anxiety  

In every new beginning, just waiting for the end  

If I care about anyone it’s assured that pain will visit  

Expectations breed disappointments and so I just stopped believing  

Yet underneath it all, at the end of the day  

All I really want is someone to stay  

Not because I hold on to them or out of obligation  

But simply because they are compelled to do so  

Moved by some force no one can truly name  

“I’m not going anywhere” , a promise I long to hear  

Yet I begin to believe it to be impossible  

I’d stand here naked… if I thought it would help 

When I look back in time, reflect upon days gone by 

One thing still stands out from all of the rest 

All I ever really wanted was to be seen 

No, I don’t mean looked at, (though at times that’s something I crave) 

Seen, as in known and loved and understood 

Something like nirvana, an unobtainable goal, yet still I seek it 

At this moment there are more than 7 billion people on this earth 

7 billion people, 7 billion souls, on a mission all their own 

Is anyone out there like me? Searching for someone like me 

I am desperate for connection, it consumes me completely 

There are 7 billion souls, so why does it seem that I can’t even find one 

Just one person whose world collides with mine 

Though we are falling there is no fear 

Surrounded, protected, fully loved 

Authentic and vulnerable, trusting 

I am your person, and you are mine.  

There isn’t a word for how much I already love you 

I constantly wonder, have we passed like shadows on the street? 

Are you a world away longing for me the way I long for you? 

Or what if you are in my life but I’m too blinded by idealism that I’ve passed you by? 

The reality probably is that you simply don’t exist… 

I’ve read too many books and the man that I long for is but a figment of my imagination. 

What if this feeling of loneliness is something I’m meant to live with forever  

No such things as true love or soul mates or even perfect for me 

With that thought fear creeps into my heart…  

If I don’t snuff it out now, it threatens to consume my soul  

Like termites eating away at all that which is good and true  

All that’s left in its place is darkness, terrible and alone.  

I am stronger than the fear…  

If this is my journey than I will walk in it and find purpose alone  

There is power to be found in being alone and surrendering to the loneliness 

Where there is love it always finds a vessel  

Something or someone to channel towards 

There is great love within me and it will find a home  

There is also power in never loosing hope 

So, I’ll never stop searching for you 

Can I manifest you, dream you into existence, into my life? 

Cast a spell, conjure a way for our paths to intersect.  

I don’t need the perfect man, there isn’t one 

I imagine him to be tall, dark hair, something like a Viking  

But perhaps he’s short and blond, the knight of my heart 

Can we just be two imperfect people, diving into life and love 

Holding space in the corner of the ring for the fight of our lives 

Heart to heart, creating our own little miniverse  

Adventures down the rabbit hole, or through a blue box 

Flowers in the vegetable garden, goats on the lawn 

Sharing playlists, laughing, and telling our truth and the stories of our youth 

Dancing in the grass to music only we hear 

Barefoot dinner parties with those we love 

Conversations late into the night about the divine and ethics 

Marches against injustice and challenging each other to be better 

Feral babies nurtured to be love warriors  

Let’s do this our way, whatever that means 

No expectations or cherished outcomes…. just love 

Loving friends, pets, children, the world and each other 

Growing old together in rocking chairs on the porch 

Watching grandchildren play on cool summer nights  

A life spent painting a masterpiece to our love  

A picture far from perfect but an unmovable frame  

Rough edges and imperfections tell the story of the home we made 

Plenty of tears but free of tears, built on a solid foundation 

My lover and my friend 

This is the picture that I ache to create 

Where is the one that my soul loves? 

I call you to my heart, call your love to me.  

Across the winds, over the earth,  

Forged in the fire and baptized in rain  

Two whole people come together  

Weird jagged pieces that fit to reveal a bigger picture 

Maiden, Mother, Crone 

Father, Son, Holy Spirit 

North, South, East, West 

Let all of creation join in a chorus that moves us together 

I call upon the goddess, mother of us all 

Work your magic, divine a path to join two hearts 

A Prayer

To our most beloved heavenly father

In the holy name of Jesus

The savior of all things broken

My heart is breaking

I’m at a complete loss

Unable to stand

Or grasp this evil that devours

The pain is crippling

The hate in our world overwhelms

Eyes wide open

Though I wish I could close them

The loss of security

Loss of dignity

Loss of life

Yet my faith in you is not to be shaken

For I believe you placed me here

“For such a time as this”

And “only when it is dark enough, can you see the stars.”

So I come to you now

As a shattered vessel

Longing to be pieced back together

And filled to the brim

With your peace, hope and love

I want to sing a new song

A song of freedom

So I plead with you on bended knee

Knowing full well how unworthy I am

But by your grace and mercy

Boldly I approach your throne

I pray to rebuke the powers of darkness

Those who seek to steal, kill, and destroy in the night

Bring about your morning Lord

Shower your grace upon the broken

Heal the wounds that tear us apart

That regardless of race, gender, identity, or denomination

Your light would shine brightly from our hearts

Give us courage to stand and speak

When it is required of us

To call out injustice wherever it resides

Help us to raise up the battered, abused, and downtrodden

So that their voices may be heard

That they may never again know hunger

That they may always have shelter

That they may never be alone

Open all our hearts and minds to your truth

Help us to plant and nourish good fruit

Let seeds fall upon good soil

Seeds of unity, authenticity, grace, hope

And most importantly love, agape love

Though we may start out as a tiny drip

In you we can flow into a mighty river

That we may cut through the rocks that break us apart

You are our strength and shield

The foundation that shall not be moved

A safe place in times of weakness

All honor and praise belong to you

We know that through this night you are by our side

We release all fear and anxiety

Knowing we can rest in your care

Continue to shape and mold us

Take our pride and need to be right

Help us to embrace the unknown

Help us to love even when we are hurt

And to do the things they say can’t be done

For we know though you all things are possible

May we never stop seeking

And having faith as a small child

Thank you for the blessing you have bestowed

I commend all things to your care.

Knowing you know all things so we don’t have to


It’s Okay To Feel

I have found that in my life there are four possible types of tears that occur at a funeral. They can each happen individually or maybe just two of them but in some case you get hit with all four.

Type one, is your own personal grief that is measureable to how well you knew the deceased. A one on the scale is, I was acquainted with them and grieve over the loss of good person from the world. A ten on the scale is the people you consider family, this can be blood relatives or simply someone that is has made a large impact on your life.

Type two is empathy for the grief of others. I personally consider myself to be a pretty empathic person and so I feel this one pretty acutely. Whenever I see someone crying I am bound to cry right alongside them.

Type three is a rekindling of grief that you have felt for the past losses in your life. This is one of the most difficult for me as I have felt some pretty immeasurable grief. Grief in my life is like an ocean that like a tide that rises and falls. When at a funeral I always experienced at least one of the aforementioned tears, but when there is a combination of these tears present, personal pain has a way of resurfacing.

Type four is fear of future grief. Funerals make us look our mortality and the mortality of those close to us.

This past Tuesday I went to a funeral of a wonderful woman of God, someone with whom several of my friends had lived and she was a very close friend to my great aunt with whom I am very close. I knew her enough to be saddened by the loss of a sincere and truly kind woman. I had tears welling up in my eyes several times during the service, but it was the committal service at the grave side that really broke me down.

I’ve been to a lot of funerals in my life and something that especially stands out in Mennonite services is that, they always bury the deceased. The funeral directors will lower the casket into the ground and they will begin to cover the grave with shovels and anyone that wishes to participate can take a turn.

I grew up with this, but only after I had seen people leave their loved one there for someone else to bury, could I really appreciate this act. This is the last thing you can do for someone, to really lay them to rest. It is also good for my soul to release that person and it provides a sense of closure.

So here we were laying this woman to rest, the family and close friends taking turns to cover the grave, while the rest of those at the grave were singing songs about how beautiful Heaven must be, and I see some people letting go of the grief that they had try to keep inside, then like the swell of the tide I am overcome by all four of the tear triggers.

There was sadness for the loss of this woman, sorrow for the family who all too recently had a much more sudden and seemingly senseless death, that I know they all must have been have been feeling as well, I was overwhelmed by the reality that three graves in this cemetery were occupied by people that I loved greatly, my father, his brother, and another great aunt who also helped raise me, and lastly the fear that I would lose someone else in my family.

I wanted desperately not to lose control of my emotions, this wasn’t really my loss, and this was not the place to revisit the grief I constantly try to shove into a safe all the way in the back of my mind.

As this service ends my friend hugs me and says “we can go over to your dad’s grave I’ll sit in the grass with you”, I was reluctant at first I did not want to let go, because sometimes when I start crying it feels like it will never stop, but I decided to go. I get there and I can’t hold it in any longer I sob so much it gave me a headache but my friend was there holding on to me and it was then I realized that I always feel much better when I let myself feel. Yes, even the pain. I don’t do myself or anyone else any good by ignoring my feelings, masquerading around like I have everything together.

Death sucks, losing my dad has been one of the hardest things I have ever gone through, that I still go though. Sometimes I have wished him back so much, but that grief and loss have enabled me in ministering to people and so I will not be ashamed to feel it when it bubbles up inside me. I miss him, I miss what he won’t be here for, that I don’t really know who he was, and that I don’t get to go to him when I wish I could.